Working together to end domestic violence and clergy abuse in church communities

For the peace, unity and purity of Christ’s church

“But he was drunk!”

The troubling relationship between addiction and domestic violence

by Leah Mitchell

Angela’s story is a common one, but when she first arrived in my office, she did not yet realize that.  “My husband Mike is not like other abusers,” she explained hurriedly.  “He is a nice guy really.  His drinking is the problem.  Until he started drinking, he was a great man.”

“A great man” was not the description I would have used as I flip the pages in her protection order.  She had two hospitalizations for strangulation.  One of those occurred after she wrestled a gun out of her husband’s hand.  “Mike wasn’t threatening to shoot me,” she said defensively when I mentioned that incident.  “He was just waving the gun around to scare me.  But he got mad when I took the gun away.  That’s when he grabbed me by the throat.  He was drunk.  It wasn’t really him.”

This man who supposedly wasn’t really Mike did a tremendous amount of damage to their family home—holes punched in the wall, two broken windows, and even a fire started on the carpet when he dropped a cigarette while passed out.  Now they were being evicted.  And through it all, Mike’s drinking only worsened.  Angela suspected that he was also using illegal drugs.  He was spending days at a time away from home, and her paycheck disappeared from their account as soon as it was deposited.

“My friends from church are praying that he will come to his senses,” she said.  “I can’t give up on him.  If I leave, he might harm himself.  I’m looking up a new counselor for his addiction.”  She twisted her hands miserably in her lap.  She tried to be optimistic, but the truth was that Angela had been trying to get Mike into addiction counseling for years.  She had bought him books on overcoming addiction.  She had scheduled appointments with numerous counselors and rehabilitation centers.  The books she ordered for Mike sat unopened on his desk.  Occasionally, Mike would go to a counseling session if she nagged him, but his resolve never lasted more than a week or two.  Lately, he would not even pretend to change.  “Leave me alone!” he shouted at Angela whenever she brought it up.  “You are such a controlling shrew!  No wonder I drink!”

Angela was increasingly frightened.  Facing eviction, with no money left in the bank account, no money for car repairs or even food, she was overwhelmed with the consequences of addiction—an addiction that she now knew that all her love and patience could not control.  She feared that one day, Mike would have another violent outburst and kill her.

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